Each New Year’s Eve brings about a new set of changes and anticipation for the new year. What will change, what will be different next year? I, like the rest of America, will start off 2009 “celebrating” an economic recession. As a resident of New York state, I’ll be “celebrating” another wonderful part of these trying times: Gov. David Paterson’s proposed state budget and its 88 new taxes.

My friend Shannon has for years been tirelessly — sometimes annoyingly — optimistic. However, for this post I am borrowing a leaf from her book and am looking at 2009 through a pair of rose-hued glasses. So there may be 88 new taxes, so what?? I will base my New Year’s resolutions around the proposed taxes!! In my overly-optimistic eyes, these new fees couldn’t have come at a better time. Observe ….

Proposed Tax: 18% tax on non-nutritional beverages

Resolution: No more pop!! Never mind that I adore Coke … I guess I don’t really need those calories after all.

Proposed Tax: Ipod tax on digitally downloaded media

ReSolution: No fear here! I will continue sailing the digital waves of piracy and pilfering my songs.

Proposed Tax: Tuition increases at SUNY schools

ReSolution: Meh, who needs a Master’s degree, anyway? I didn’t care much for studying the first time around ….

Proposed Tax: A $136 million tax on cable satellite TV and radio

Resolution: Well, I’ve been meaning to get to the theatre and see more new movies anyway, so here’s my reasoning to do so.

Proposed Tax: $53 million tax on entertainment purchases like movies and sporting events

Resolution: Hmm …. I’m beginning to think my plan is flawed. But as for sporting events, after this depressing Bills season I could see saving the money next year.

Proposed Tax: Change cigar tax from 34 cents to 50 cents a stogie

Resolution: All the more reason to not take up smoking! Another one crossed off the list

Proposed Tax: Increase fees for civil service exams by $5

ReSolution: Despite my job being overwhelmingly stressful and hateful some days, this little tax will gently remind me to stay put instead of making to jump to the U.S. Postal Service like I dreamed of in my youth. Same goes for the security guard training tax.

Proposed Tax: $6.5 million in fees collected from users of state parks. 

Resolution: Gee, good thing I got an array of camping equipment from Santa!! Guess I’ll just leave my cooler, hot dog roaster, tent, pie maker, pop-up canopy, backpack, mess kit, lantern and everything else in my closet. Who needs the great outdoors, right?

Proposed Tax: 25% Vehicle registration increase

ReSolution: That’s what bicycles are for, right?

Proposed Tax: An extra 5% sales tax on luxury cars, yachts, planes, furs and jewels

Resolution: Think how much money I’ll save by not registering my Jaguar and just riding my $100 bike

Proposed Tax: Erase tax break on clothing priced $110 or less

Resolution: Wait a minute …. so my $25 hoodie AND my fur muffler would both be taxed?! Is there a tax on paper bags, too?

Proposed Tax: $63 million tax on beer and alcohol, increasing the tax from 18.9 cents to 51 cents per gallon.

Resolution: Drinking less? Sounds like a traditional New Year’s resolution to me!

Proposed Tax: Extended tax on personal services including haircuts, pedicures and gym memberships.

Resolution: If my memory serves me correctly, Howard Hughes spent out the remainder of his days not clipping his nails, trimming his hair or seeing daylight. Did I mention that was after he lost his marbles?

So there you have it. Combining my resolutions with Paterson’s new taxes, I am looking at a stimulating 2009. One that will consist of me sitting home on the couch and growing fatter — even though I am consuming only diet Coke because it is too expensive to go to the gym — and occasionally peddling my bicycle out to the bars to order myself …. a water. All the while I’ll be looking increasingly more beautiful in my old, ratty clothing and unpolished fingers.

How can this outlook NOT seem promising? Happy 2009!